admittedly it has been a long time since ive last written…i mean actually have written, but the words have escaped me for the longest time.

the last that you’ve heard from me a lot of you thought that i was suicidal and maybe i was. when i posted that video i had so much uncertainty in my life. i finally realised that after 3 months of not having sunshine in my life that i was needing it more than i ever thought that i could.

through out all of my trials and tribulations ive grown so very much, ive discovered the joy of life and ive learned to believe in god again. someone once told me that god doesn’t give you more than you can handle, sometimes i question that, but when things get to be borderline i pray that much harder.

i met matthew almost 5 years ago (july the 5th will be our anniversary,) i fell in love with him almost immediately. at the time matt was a cute, but awkward looking 18 year old (he was very skinny, pale, had a soul patch and super spiky hair!) throughout our journey together we’ve shared so much joy and a lot of pain, but through out it all we had one thing…unconditional love. i can honestly tell you that NO ONE on this earth…not my parents, not my grandparents, NO ONE has loved me as much as matthew has. his mom once told me that he “thinks so highly of you.” 

matt was there through everything…i did a lot of bad things to him, but god damn it…he was still there just loving me… unconditionally. in my mind, when he started to give me hell about something he was trying to hurt me, but now i understand that he wasn’t…he just loved me soooooo much that he didn’t want to lose me.

id like to say that the biggest mistake ive ever made was leaving matt in the first place, but it wasn’t…god gave me that opportunity to learn from my mistakes so that i could better love matt.

i thought about matthew every single day while we were apart…i always felt like something was missing, like a piece of me was gone. i wanted so badly to call him or email him or text him, but was afraid that he would tell me to “go fuck myself,” but i took that chance one night and what i got was nothing short of a miracle.

after a few emails back and forth we reconnected. yes, i will admit that it was awkward at first, but after a little while it was like nothing had changed at all…it was normal again. there is no better feeling that looking into his eyes and hearing him say “i love you” because he means it with all of his soul. i feel electricity when we kiss. i love to hold him tight when we sleep. i miss him even the second that i leave him.

for a while i was afraid that i wouldn’t be able to have him again .  it was bad, the weekend that i was at my worst many of you thought that i was going to kill myself and the thought actually crossed my mind. a lot of you said that it was all going to be ok, you sat with me while i talked you ears off and cried to you…i will never be able to repay you all for your kindness!

matt, i know that you read this blog so i am going to take a minute to write directly to you now.

matthew, you are my “always and forever.” i will never lie to you, i will never mislead you, i will be your best friend, your lover, your soulmate for the rest of our lives…i promise you that.

countless people wish that they could have that second chance with their one true love…i am blessed beyond belief that i have been granted mine. YOU ARE MY ONE TRUE LOVE! i will never take that for granted ever again. i look at you and i see my future and i know that when you give me hell about something its not that you’re trying to hurt me its that you love me more than life itself…right? 

i am sorry that i never wished you a happy birthday publicly, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY POOH BEAR! i can’t wait to grow old with you!

you’ve brought so much joy to my life, you’re the last thing i think about before i go to bed and the first thing that i think about when i wake up…even when im beside you for those moments. you’re constantly on my mind!

i have nothing to hide from you and this is my love letter for the entire world to see…

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART MATTHEW! thats the way it was, the way it is and the way that its always going to be! 

you told me a couple of days ago that there are only two ways that this doesn’t last forever…neither of those will ever ever ever happen…i promise!

now to the rest of you loyal readers, let me pass along a piece of advice.

if you love someone, let them know it…

don’t ever let your true love go because you may regret it every day…

i was lucky…god has blessed me with a fresh start and matt…you are that missing piece to my soul. with you with me forever i am complete.

the words may have escaped me, but its not because they weren’t in my heart…i was too busy enjoy you to put them to a page…

i love you matt

and instead of my normal sign off i will leave you with this…

tell someone that you love them be it a parent, a best friend, a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife because love is the greatest gift of all!

 

<3