he told me a couple of weeks back to listen to this song because when he heard it, it would remind him of me and how much he missed the sound of my voice…

MATTHEW > everyone

i love you…always and forever!

i hate losing pieces of my writing and life’s journey, but i think that its ok to say goodbye to a wrong chapter in my life.

its time to look toward the future and i look forward to sharing my journey with all of you!

<3 mrw

the last that you’ve heard from me a lot of you thought that i was suicidal and maybe i was. when i posted that video i had so much uncertainty in my life. i finally realised that after 3 months of not having sunshine in my life that i was needing it more than i ever thought that i could.

through out all of my trials and tribulations ive grown so very much, ive discovered the joy of life and ive learned to believe in god again. someone once told me that god doesn’t give you more than you can handle, sometimes i question that, but when things get to be borderline i pray that much harder.

i met matthew almost 5 years ago (july the 5th will be our anniversary,) i fell in love with him almost immediately. at the time matt was a cute, but awkward looking 18 year old (he was very skinny, pale, had a soul patch and super spiky hair!) throughout our journey together we’ve shared so much joy and a lot of pain, but through out it all we had one thing…unconditional love. i can honestly tell you that NO ONE on this earth…not my parents, not my grandparents, NO ONE has loved me as much as matthew has. his mom once told me that he “thinks so highly of you.” 

matt was there through everything…i did a lot of bad things to him, but god damn it…he was still there just loving me… unconditionally. in my mind, when he started to give me hell about something he was trying to hurt me, but now i understand that he wasn’t…he just loved me soooooo much that he didn’t want to lose me.

id like to say that the biggest mistake ive ever made was leaving matt in the first place, but it wasn’t…god gave me that opportunity to learn from my mistakes so that i could better love matt.

i thought about matthew every single day while we were apart…i always felt like something was missing, like a piece of me was gone. i wanted so badly to call him or email him or text him, but was afraid that he would tell me to “go fuck myself,” but i took that chance one night and what i got was nothing short of a miracle.

after a few emails back and forth we reconnected. yes, i will admit that it was awkward at first, but after a little while it was like nothing had changed at all…it was normal again. there is no better feeling that looking into his eyes and hearing him say “i love you” because he means it with all of his soul. i feel electricity when we kiss. i love to hold him tight when we sleep. i miss him even the second that i leave him.

for a while i was afraid that i wouldn’t be able to have him again .  it was bad, the weekend that i was at my worst many of you thought that i was going to kill myself and the thought actually crossed my mind. a lot of you said that it was all going to be ok, you sat with me while i talked you ears off and cried to you…i will never be able to repay you all for your kindness!

matt, i know that you read this blog so i am going to take a minute to write directly to you now.

matthew, you are my “always and forever.” i will never lie to you, i will never mislead you, i will be your best friend, your lover, your soulmate for the rest of our lives…i promise you that.

countless people wish that they could have that second chance with their one true love…i am blessed beyond belief that i have been granted mine. YOU ARE MY ONE TRUE LOVE! i will never take that for granted ever again. i look at you and i see my future and i know that when you give me hell about something its not that you’re trying to hurt me its that you love me more than life itself…right? 

i am sorry that i never wished you a happy birthday publicly, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY POOH BEAR! i can’t wait to grow old with you!

you’ve brought so much joy to my life, you’re the last thing i think about before i go to bed and the first thing that i think about when i wake up…even when im beside you for those moments. you’re constantly on my mind!

i have nothing to hide from you and this is my love letter for the entire world to see…

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY HEART MATTHEW! thats the way it was, the way it is and the way that its always going to be! 

you told me a couple of days ago that there are only two ways that this doesn’t last forever…neither of those will ever ever ever happen…i promise!

now to the rest of you loyal readers, let me pass along a piece of advice.

if you love someone, let them know it…

don’t ever let your true love go because you may regret it every day…

i was lucky…god has blessed me with a fresh start and matt…you are that missing piece to my soul. with you with me forever i am complete.

the words may have escaped me, but its not because they weren’t in my heart…i was too busy enjoy you to put them to a page…

i love you matt

and instead of my normal sign off i will leave you with this…

tell someone that you love them be it a parent, a best friend, a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife because love is the greatest gift of all!

<3

ill be honest with all of you, when i first heard “what’s right is right” i wasn’t a big fan. my initial thought was that this shouldn’t have been a single off of anyones album let alone the man that i have followed soooo closely for almost three years now, but i gave it a chance and listened to it over and over one night when i couldn’t sleep. the end result was a song that i closely identify with in every way!

i connect with this song and i honestly believe that “connection” is what makes a song more than just a song. “connection” is what makes a song iconic in the eyes of those who love it. “connection” is why you hear a song played at the first dance of a wedding.

i connect with not only this song, but this artist. i sat in a sold out tavern two weeks ago and cried because i missed how he made me feel! im a twenty-eight year old man and i cried tears of joy listening to taylor hicks perform! that is an amazing connection for an artist to have with this audience.

“what’s right is right” is a love song plain and simple. its soft pop. its not your typical preprogramed…bubblegum…cookie cutter pop song and in today’s music scene that is very very refreshing!

ive shared this song with a lot of people (most of which can’t be counted as fans) and every one of them has come back to me saying that they love it! listen to it or watch the video a couple of times and i can say pretty certainly that it will stick with you. you’ll find yourself humming it or whistling the chorus.

the new album “the distance” will drop on march 10th and if you’re a fan of real music (you know, the way music used before the britneys and justins took over the radio) pick it up and i promise that you won’t be disappointed.

Pre Order “The Distance” Here or Here

check out the new video for “What’s Right is Right” Here

thanks for reading and remember

its still all about the music…

almost one week until i get the pleasure of being able to listen to this genius play again!

some of you may be saying, “no you don’t silly head!” 

some of you may be saying, ” i hope you die asshole!” although i don’t know why you’d be saying that just because i suck at blogging…thats a bit harsh!

why do you have to be soooooo damn mean?

you’re always soooooo critical! im only one man!!!!

whoa! where the hell did i go? i think i may have passed out there for a second and when i woke up i turned into an 8th grade girl 

anyway…

im not very entertaining lately and for that i apologize. this past month or so has been very backwards for me. ive longed for a past that i tried to hold on to, but realistically i couldn’t. i have called it the “holiday blues,” but i have no idea if that is what was going on. sometimes i even scared myself with who i was becoming.

for a long time i was just going through the motions of life because i was comfortable. i didn’t want to admit that i was comfortable though because when you admit that you are comfortable and thats the only reason that you live the life that you live, you realize that you’re entire existence is a lie. that my readers is a tough pill to swallow!

when i looked at the past in a present setting…when the past stared at me straight in the eyes  i understood that the past was great, but it was no longer comfortable like it once was.

i guess the moral of the story is that when you dwell too much on the past, you miss out on the beauty of the present and the promise of the future!

im sorry that i haven’t been more entertaining, but this is a phase that i think that i have to go through.

until next time…

lets list them, shall we?

1. dubois (for those of you who aren’t from central PA, its pronounced “do boys”)
2. pocahontas (it has the word poke in it!)
3. mangini ( you know, the former new york jets and current cleveland browns head coach…i love a good “man genie!”)
4. vagina (the mythical beast that lures a man in and eats him alive!)
5. cock block
6. tempurpedic
7. midget sex
8. sacagawea (cuz it is a “sack of gawea”)

enough childishness from me for the night, but i was bored. you see, it has been snowing and sleeting and freezing raining (or is that frozen raining) here all day! its not like i had anything else better to do, but when you’re trapped inside all day you start to want to do other things!

i wanted to buy a couple of those big plastic totes to use as a dresser for my bedroom because at this time i had piles of sexy clothes all over the place…it looks like an orgy or hurricane had just taken place (never been through either, but im assuming that they would leave piles of clothes in their wake!)

yoda sounds a little too much like kermit the frog in “the empire strikes back.”

i watched my ravens go on to beat the titans today in a nail bitter! i shit three bricks watching that game!

ok, enough for now…im bored…

there’s not a whole lot to talk about today. i had nothing going on except an evening full of work…very full! it feels very good to get home, put on my pj’s and watch some cosby show reruns on tv land. 

when it comes to working late on the weekend i have mixed feelings. first, i love sleeping in. second, i am a pro at sleeping! third, if sleeping was my job, id be a multi millionaire for god’s sake. someone once said that they thought i was depressed because i slept so much. thats just silly… i just love to sleep. im slightly depressed, but the sleeping isn’t a cause or effect. bastard know it alls!

on the flip side, i hate closing because the stress level is amp’d up a few hundred times. lack of help, increase in business, pressure to get the work done in a certain time frame all equals a bad time for yours truly!

ill do it again tomorrow and i dread it…

in better news, we’re almost a month away from the taylor hicks “grease after show” in annapolis, md at ram’s head onstage! we don’t have the closest of seats, but the venue only holds around two hundred and fifty people so the view should still be fine. besides, its been almost a year and a half since my last concert from mr. hicks and i need him more than ever now! 

even better is that we’ll probably get a healthy dose of new music since his BRAND NEW ALBUM is being released march 10th!!! squealtacular!!!

well, that’s all i have for now…

realistically though i am hoping to write around two hundred entries this year.

i have a lot of mixed emotions about this new year. on one hand i am optimistic about a fresh start . on the other hand i am finding that i am dwelling and yearning for the past.

ill be the first to admit that i am not a saint…quite the opposite. i have done a lot of bad things to a lot of good people in my life, people who didn’t deserve to be treated like shit. i regret screwing those people over more than anything…i wish that i could turn back time to save what i had, but i can’t. ive been trying to out run my mistakes, ive been trying to forget so i can move on with my life…i want nothing more than to forget!

 maybe i have taken the first step in putting distance between myself and  everything  that i have ever done wrong, i feel like ive killed a piece of myself though.

i want a fresh start.

every morning i wish that i didn’t wake up…i don’t want to feel like that any more!

all i can do is say that i am sorry, with all that i have in me, i am sorry!

forgiveness isn’t something that comes easy, i understand that, but i tried so hard to escape the past.

i know that i didn’t always handle things the right way, but i tried…

i miss what i was, i miss what i had and i am sorry…

with tears in my eyes i must look toward a better year, 2009…

i just hope that all is forgiven one day and how difficult that it is for this public display of vulnerability to be written.

*m*

you’re damn right i am!

i have to roll out of bed at two in the morning!!! let me repeat that a little louder in case you didn’t hear it or are still in disbelief…TWO IN THE MORNING!!! pick your ears, not your ass and you could’ve heard me the first time.

you know, its funny how therapeutic that writing can be…even when you SHOULD be in bed trying to squeak out as much rest as you can get because you are a dumb ass for picking up a shift that starts at 3:30am.

sometimes i have a lot on my mind and nothing to do with it, so i figure that ill sling my feelings and thoughts on to this canvas and see what sticks.

as the holiday season rolls to a sudden stop i find myself concerned about my future employment. i have been with my company for over six years, but with the economy being what it is i am worried about said company scaling back. retail is an industry that is on shaky ground because who wants to buy fancy tshirts and electronics when they can’t even feed their families or pay their mortgage?

i don’t admit it very often, but im scared.

rumors have it that things will get worse before they get better and the uncertainty of the future is starting to eat at me.

my ultimate dream is to get married (i wonder which last name we would use,)  settle down in a nice neighborhood and order myself up an adorable asian baby, but my dreams seem so far away…

the one thing that ive learned over the course of my young life is that “life isn’t easy, but anything worth having is never easy.”

im a fighter and i will beat whatever negative things that this world throws at me, but sometimes it seems as though the other side isn’t playing fair.

enough for now i think, i should try to shut my eyes a little bit…

*m*